Happy Valentine's Day- Love Thy Self

February is the month of love. 

So going with the expectations of our society, I assumed this meant loving others.

I had the intention of decorating the boys' doors with a heart every day, telling them what I love about them (this was successful for a few days) (Pintrest mom vs Amazon Prime mom moment). I really wanted to pour myself into them and my husband, allow them to be filled with love and appreciation. The problem is that I do this every day, I pour everything I have into everyone else. This has been my life story, and right now it is much easier to love others than myself. So why not keep pouring...except that I am depleted.

And then there was this...my brother posted this on the first of February, "I hope you love yourself a lot. And if you're struggling with this, let me and others love you until you can learn how. I needed that before and know I'll probably need it again someday."

I was like Well Shit.  

It immediately sent me into a world of tears. I want to love myself, I want to feel ok in my skin, but some days I don't know how to.

If fact some days I have so much anxiety that I want to crawl out of my skin, exchange it for someone else's, anyone else's.

But a seed was planted, and I began a journey to discover self-love or at least let other people’s love of me soak in a little.

So then I went to a yin yoga class called Love Thy Self. Likes it’s a commandment. Like it's this easy thing that you decide to do.

God Said:
Don't kill, Don't steal, Don't look at other people's wives with googly eyes

Oh and Love Thy Self.

Now I know this isn't an actual commandment, but it's how I took the words. 

And maybe my yoga teacher meant none of these things with her unspoken intention, maybe she meant all of these things, I do not know.

What I do know is that this amazing class had one too many heart openers and forward folds and I lost my shit. Or rather my wall that was keeping all the shit in, that I was trying to hide from myself, came crumbling down. And I couldn’t be more grateful.

I cried in the yoga poses and through the poses. I cried in front of these 12 women that I did not know at all, and I couldn't stop. I cried all the way home. And then I talked and my beautiful husband listened.

The pain dissipated a little, and I was able to see the lessons.

I have been running from my heart. I have been stuffing my emotions. I have been carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. And the shity part is that this is self-imposed. My husband isn't asking me to be perfect, to be more, to be the world's greatest cheerleader. In fact our deepest moments of intimacy is when I share the darkness. (note: I didn’t say these are our happiest moments!)

Self-love starts will feeling, really being able to feel your emotions.

Turns out I have some grief from losing a community of mamas

Turns out that my heart is heavy 

Turns out that moving communities and raising two beautiful angels is hard.

Really hard.

Turns out that the anxiety is my body screaming for me to pay attention. To feel. To express the pain. 

To Love myself in the beauty and mess.

But How?

Incandescently in this month of love, my therapist prescribed metta meditation, loving kindness mediation.

She said something like my expectations of being a prefect mother are a little unrealistic. And that enlightenment isn't not having shit, but being ok in the shit, loving yourself in the really messy parts. That I needed to give myself loving kindness and grace. 

I decided to do it everyday because I really want this, I really want to feel better.

When I started I had to start with other people, because it was too painful to start with myself.

Because I have so much shame and guilt for not loving myself (which we all know shame and guilt is a great way to feel better about a situation!)

And the beautiful thing is that it is working.

I am loving myself a little more today.

I can have a tiny bit of grace.

I can treat myself as I would like to treat others.

I can forgive myself. 

And I love my children and my husband more.

And somehow, I don't think I am alone in these feelings, in this experience, these tears. I think other people struggle to love themselves. Or maybe I hope I am not alone in this.

So this is my vow, today on Valentine’s Day, I will Love Thy Self. I will love myself more than I have in a long time. And I challenge you to do them same. 

Can you love yourself as much as you love others?

Can you find acceptance? 

Can you find grace?

May you Happy.

May you be Safe and Free from Harm.

May you be Resilient. 

May you be Loved. By yourself and others.