a light - Impermanence. Becoming a butterfly. To be loved deeply.

I feel like I have had the same story for over a year... Exhausted, depressed, tired, skinny baby, blah, blah, blah

But I think we may have turned a corner, I think we may have a light in our tunnel (it really felt more like a cave).

While we were surviving the past few months, and yes it literally felt like surviving was the very best we could do, I wish I could have heard that this pain, this exhaustion, this overwhelm was temporary, that one day it won't be like this.

I wish I could have seen that one day my boys would be able to play for 5 min while I shower or wash a few dishes. Or that one day having two kids so close in age would be a gift, that their love for each other would bring a huge amount of joy.

I wish I could have known that one day we would move from surviving to doing ok. That things would get better, because they have to, because things can't stay like this forever.

As in, it is actually impossible for things to stay dark forever. Physics will not allow it. Nothing is static. The sun has to rise.

And more than known, I wish I could have embodied this truth. I wish I could have made a tiny bit of room for impermanence.

Impermanence - the idea that without exception, all things are temporary. 

I am not the exception, my pain, my joy is temporary. 

But while we were in it, things felt very permanent. So sometimes it takes space from the pain to be able to process it.

And with enough space and time and healing I can see all the support we had, I can see all the hands that loved and supported us. Feed us. Hugged me when I felt alone.

It's literally like that footprints in the sand poem, except it wasn't just God holding us, it was a whole community.

To be held.

To be nourished.

To heal.

And with a little bit more space and time and healing I can see that I was in the process of becoming a butterfly. That I am more free than I was. But the problem with becoming something beautiful is that chrysalis sucks and is that you have to surround your self in the darkness, embrace the darkness, heal the darkness, to find the light.

With a little bit more space and time and healing I can see, through it all, we were loved.

Deeply.

Now this is my wish... mamas struggling out there, know that it will get better, because it has to, because it physically cannot stay the same forever.  Even though it feels like it will last forever, it cannot. Babies grow and change. This might be the only truth of motherhood. Things will change. Have Hope. Have strength. Have Resilience. You are loved.

So now I get to create a new story, a story about how through the darkness and pain something beautiful was born. A story about how deeply we were loved. 

Now I get to fly.