Safe Enough to Fail - dismantling the prefectionism dream

As my husband and I struggle to co-parent, communicate, and compromise, we find ourselves talking about expectations. Of our selves. Of our children. We want our kids to work hard. We want our kids to value making mistakes. To value learning over doing it right. But we want to do it "right" or maybe even "perfectly" ourselves, because why not aim for perfection? Right? That's what we have all been told. Shoot for the stars!

But we cannot give our children what we do not have. 

As I struggle with my own expectations of motherhood and perceived expectations from others, there are two things that I am reminded of from my Mommy and Me Yoga Teacher Training. 

1) What it really means to hold space. This is a beautiful blog on how to REALLY show up. How to Hold people. How to be held. As a yoga teacher I actually hold people much more than just showing them poses or telling them about the benefits of poses. 

https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hold-space/

2) As part of holding space - Being safe enough to fail. This has become my greatest asset. With my family, my friends, my students. I have become a person that they can trust. I am vulnerable and willing to let my own mistakes shine through, and that, above anything else, has given others permission to fail. This space to learn and be human has become the greatest gift in my life as people hold me in my mistakes, and as I hold others in their journeys, it has become a place of connection and authenticity.

I must tell you, though, that I haven't always been a safe place. There have been many times in my life that I was not a place where people could land. And I still say stupid stuff when I don't know what to say. And I can tell you that my need for acceptance, my need to be cool, or my own insistence on doing it "right" has not only set up unrealistic expectations, but has caused pain and harm. For that I am sorry.

AND the opposite of being safe enough to fail is actually perfectionism.

Here is what Brene Brown says about perfectionism: 

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: “If I look perfect, live perfectly, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment, and blame.” 

To me this says if I do it right, I won't feel pain.  I can tell you I have spent a great deal of energy and time in my life trying to avoid pain, trying to do it right. To be perfect. Or at least worthy. But this is the lie of perfectionism. This is why it is so easy to be addicted to doing it right. Every time we get it "wrong", it makes us want want to do it right even more. 

In the great words of my father, when I was struggling with poor life choices in college, he said "Kaitlin, this is life, you can't do it wrong" and it turns out you can't do it right either. There are a few harmful ways to parent and a whole shit ton of preferences. 

As I was processing these ideas, I was asked, What is the difference between perfectionism and Self-improvement?

Here are my thoughts: Perfectionism comes from a place of I have to be more, I have to do more. Not enough. It's expectations that come from others. And the most unfortunate part of perfectionism is that these rules and expectations don't leave room for making mistakes, for learning. I have learned in the last year of struggle that it is in my mistakes that I have found my deepest connection, joy, and grace. 

Improvement is doing the next right thing, and that doesn't mean the right or prefect thing. Improvement, or wellness as I like to call it, is a drive for more meaningful connections. A drive to Heal. To Learn. To Love deeper. and really that is the goal.