Ventures in Mamahood

February is the month of love.  So going with the expectations of our society, I assumed this meant loving others. I had the intention of decorating the boys' doors with a heart every day, telling them what I love about them (this was successful for a few days) (Pintrest mom vs Amazon Prime mom moment). I really wanted to pour myself into them and my husband, allow them to be filled with love and appreciation. The problem is that I do this every day, I pour everything I have into everyone else. This has been my life story, and right now it is much easier to love others than myself. So why not keep pouring...except that I am depleted. And then there was this...my brother posted this on the first of February, "I hope you love yourself a lot. And if you're struggling with this, let me and others love you until you can learn how. I needed that before and know I'll probably need it again someday." I was like Well Shit.   It immediately ...

When things fall apart My tendency is to Cry, to Shake To sometimes not get a out of bed for a week, to wallow in self pity To Blame To Collapse And today things are Falling Apart Our plans, deals, and life seem like they are falling apart We found out our house is worth a lot less than we thought Because county records on square footage have been wrong for 30 years 30 years! So not only is our house worth less, but we have been paying more in tax - Thanks El Paso Country But when the government is wrong, there isn't as much you can do to hold them accountable I am angry I am lost I REALLY want someone to blame (someone that is not myself or my husband) I am groundless And Mostly... I am up to my eye balls in boxes and mess, so far into this process of moving that I don't even know how we would back out of it But Sometimes there isn't someone to blame And you can't hide or lay in bed for a week when you have kids Sometimes there is just a situatio...

 Around the Fall Equinox I went to a really juicy yoga class themed Transitions (thanks Michelle). This class set the tone for my fall.  What happens in the body, mind, and breath between extended mountain and forward fold? Do we move to the next pose, the next phase, the next place, completely unaware of how we got there? What happens in the space between the end and the beginning? What happens to the middle, the place of in-between, the place of not yet landed? What happens to the space? One of my favorite things to go for a drive to see the fall colors, so just drive and soak it in. Or hike and hear the leaves crunch under my toes. I love fall. I love pumpkin everything. I love the cool mornings, hot drinks, the fog, the fire. The going inside. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. But so often I am focused on getting there, that I miss the whole drive, I miss the whole experience. Getting to the next milestone of my kido, getting to the next phase in...

Life has got to get better than this. I am tired, so tired I am stressed And I don't feel very present to life's miracles I feel like I am failing at life. My house is a mess. My Job is overwhelming, and I don't have enough energy to do it well. And my do list is forever longer than the hours I have to do things. Most days I really don't want to Adult-up. But my kid is happy. Eats nutritional food most of the time. Laughs much more than I do. He has Joy. He has life figured out (or at least for today). He plays, eats, sleeps, and explores the world. He doesn't know how not to be present. So what is Success ? What does it look like to be Successful (beyond the money definition)? What does it mean to have Joy, to truly be Present and have Joy ? My life is at a crossroads. I am unexpectedly pregnant (thus the so tired). My plans for my life are not going...well not the way I planned. My life is on the verge of something very powerful, my life is...

I was given a rare gift today. I gift that I treasure more than I knew I would. Today I have 24 hours to myself. No baby. No Hubby. No Dog. And I love these three more than I love anything, and love spending time with them. but I am also loving this quite I am experiencing. I love asking myself, what do I want to do? I love being able to think. The husband took the baby and dog camping, and I have to work. so I get a little me time. And work is a welcomed change that adds energy to my life. I get to create the school year I want. I get to connect with awesome teenagers. I get to have an impact. At first I was like, what do I do? I have a to do list that could compete with Santa's good/bad list. I constantly complain that I have no time, that I am too busy. That need to get things done. And I do need to get some things done. And tonight I am choosing not to. I am choosing to recharge. To sink in.  To sink into me. I NEED this. I NEED to reconnect with me. Give me a littl...

I am starting a journey of really look at my life, my use of time, and my spiritual, mental, and physical health. I am overwhelmed. Tired all the time. Over committed. Yet have a true desire to fill the roles I have love and have chosen. Mother. Wife. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Teacher. Yoga Teacher. Mentor. Housecleaner. Cook. Reader. Gardener. Homesteader.Yogi. Blogger... the list goes on.... I find myself asking all the time.. How do people have clean houses? How do people have energy? How do people focus? How do people finish any given task? How do people function in this world of too many roles and task, and not enough time? I am on summer break for crying outloud, yet my moments of true relaxation have been few. I want real moments. I would to be present with the people that fill me up. I want to be surrounded by people and things that give me energy. I want feel energized and alive! Geeta Iyengar in her book Yoga: A Gem for women says that "Motherhood is a woman'...

It's been a long time since we traveled for the cultural experience. For "the interview" the husband (boyfriend of 6 months at the time) and I took a 4 week trip in Central America- Mexico, Guatemala, Belize. Chicken buses (and yes they do have chickens, even at 2am), couchsurfing, hard floors, and more chickens. This was my first trip that I found my traveledge, but at the end of the trip we were more in love than when we started and we knew we had a good thing. Not saying it didn't take me a few tears to get there, but for us, we found hard moments bonded us. This is a lesson that we could remember more often. For myself I found that, I prefer traveling on the local scene. TravelEdge: that place where you feel uncomfortable, where you may or may not be in danger. That you grow as a person and learn something new about your self AND something new about someone else. There are many ways for someone to find their edge while traveling.   Airports, unexpected ch...