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Celebrating Mother's Day

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Celebrating Mother’s Day I have thought about sharing this story so many times. But it is hard to share it. It makes me vulnerable, exposed, and maybe even seen. But it’s been a year and there has been so much healing, and I think I am ready, and yet I am scared. I share this story because I hope that other moms, other people, find a bit of hope in their struggle. I hope they find a bit of brave, strong, and resiliently. This week, this Mother’s Day, is very important to me. This Mother’s Day is a celebration for me, because I have come alive. I have come into my strength, power, and self-love.  But Before finding my power, there was a lot of pain and suffering and feeling alone. A lot of hopelessness. This year I am so grateful to be alive and so grateful that my 2 beautiful boys are healthy and doing well, and here is why. A year ago I had called my therapist on a Sunday and asked if I should go to the ER and admit myself to a 48 hour hold. Partly because I thought may
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Equinox in equilibrium

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I just got out of a yoga class and the words that describe my experience and sensation was equilibrium, that I felt balanced in the body, heart, and mind. And I thought how rare it is that I actually feel this present.  We are constantly searching for equilibrium. Such as, I didn't sleep well the night before so I ate a whole bar of chocolate (by 9 am) or maybe I didn't sleep well so I drank a whole pot of coffee. Or maybe those emotions are hard too feel, so I won't feel anything. We are consistently looking to feel okay. In our society it feels like we avoid the darkness, that we rather not dabble in it, that we rather spend all of our time in the light. Or at least we would love our Facebook and Instagram to look like we are light. But we need both the darkness and light to feel balanced.  And the best part about being willing to stumble in the darkness is that not only do we get to go inside and know ourselves better, but we get to trust ourselv
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Safe Enough to Fail - dismantling the prefectionism dream

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As my husband and I struggle to co-parent, communicate, and compromise, we find ourselves talking about expectations. Of our selves. Of our children. We want our kids to work hard. We want our kids to value making mistakes. To value learning over doing it right. But we want to do it "right" or maybe even "perfectly" ourselves, because why not aim for perfection? Right? That's what we have all been told. Shoot for the stars! But we cannot give our children what we do not have.   As I struggle with my own expectations of motherhood and perceived expectations from others, there are two things that I am reminded of from my Mommy and Me Yoga Teacher Training.  1)   What it really means to hold space . This is a beautiful blog on how to REALLY show up. How to Hold people. How to be held. As a yoga teacher I actually hold people much more than just showing them poses or telling them about the benefits of poses.  https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hol
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a light - Impermanence. Becoming a butterfly. To be loved deeply.

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I feel like I have had the same story for over a year... Exhausted, depressed, tired, skinny baby, blah, blah, blah But I think we may have turned a corner, I think we may have a light in our tunnel (it really felt more like a cave). While we were surviving the past few months, and yes it literally felt like surviving was the very best we could do, I wish I could have heard that this pain, this exhaustion, this overwhelm was temporary, that one day it won't be like this. I wish I could have seen that one day my boys would be able to play for 5 min while I shower or wash a few dishes. Or that one day having two kids so close in age would be a gift, that their love for each other would bring a huge amount of joy. I wish I could have known that one day we would move from surviving to doing ok. That things would get better, because they have to, because things can't stay like this forever. As in, it is actually impossible for things to stay dark forever. Physics will no
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Happy Valentine's Day- Love Thy Self

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February is the month of love.  So going with the expectations of our society, I assumed this meant loving others. I had the intention of decorating the boys' doors with a heart every day, telling them what I love about them (this was successful for a few days) (Pintrest mom vs Amazon Prime mom moment). I really wanted to pour myself into them and my husband, allow them to be filled with love and appreciation. The problem is that I do this every day, I pour everything I have into everyone else. This has been my life story, and right now it is much easier to love others than myself. So why not keep pouring...except that I am depleted. And then there was this...my brother posted this on the first of February, "I hope you love yourself a lot. And if you're struggling with this, let me and others love you until you can learn how. I needed that before and know I'll probably need it again someday." I was like Well Shit.   It immediately sent me into
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When Things Fall Apart

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When things fall apart My tendency is to Cry, to Shake To sometimes not get a out of bed for a week, to wallow in self pity To Blame To Collapse And today things are Falling Apart Our plans, deals, and life seem like they are falling apart We found out our house is worth a lot less than we thought Because county records on square footage have been wrong for 30 years 30 years! So not only is our house worth less, but we have been paying more in tax - Thanks El Paso Country But when the government is wrong, there isn't as much you can do to hold them accountable I am angry I am lost I REALLY want someone to blame (someone that is not myself or my husband) I am groundless And Mostly... I am up to my eye balls in boxes and mess, so far into this process of moving that I don't even know how we would back out of it But Sometimes there isn't someone to blame And you can't hide or lay in bed for a week when you have kids Sometimes there is just a situatio
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Transitions

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 Around the Fall Equinox I went to a really juicy yoga class themed Transitions (thanks Michelle). This class set the tone for my fall.  What happens in the body, mind, and breath between extended mountain and forward fold? Do we move to the next pose, the next phase, the next place, completely unaware of how we got there? What happens in the space between the end and the beginning? What happens to the middle, the place of in-between, the place of not yet landed? What happens to the space? One of my favorite things to go for a drive to see the fall colors, so just drive and soak it in. Or hike and hear the leaves crunch under my toes. I love fall. I love pumpkin everything. I love the cool mornings, hot drinks, the fog, the fire. The going inside. Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. But so often I am focused on getting there, that I miss the whole drive, I miss the whole experience. Getting to the next milestone of my kido, getting to the next phase in my life
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