Ventures in Mamahood

I just got out of a yoga class and the words that describe my experience and sensation was equilibrium, that I felt balanced in the body, heart, and mind. And I thought how rare it is that I actually feel this present.  We are constantly searching for equilibrium. Such as, I didn't sleep well the night before so I ate a whole bar of chocolate (by 9 am) or maybe I didn't sleep well so I drank a whole pot of coffee. Or maybe those emotions are hard too feel, so I won't feel anything. We are consistently looking to feel okay. In our society it feels like we avoid the darkness, that we rather not dabble in it, that we rather spend all of our time in the light. Or at least we would love our Facebook and Instagram to look like we are light. But we need both the darkness and light to feel balanced.  And the best part about being willing to stumble in the darkness is that not only do we get to go inside and know ourselves better, but we get to trust ourselv

As my husband and I struggle to co-parent, communicate, and compromise, we find ourselves talking about expectations. Of our selves. Of our children. We want our kids to work hard. We want our kids to value making mistakes. To value learning over doing it right. But we want to do it "right" or maybe even "perfectly" ourselves, because why not aim for perfection? Right? That's what we have all been told. Shoot for the stars! But we cannot give our children what we do not have.   As I struggle with my own expectations of motherhood and perceived expectations from others, there are two things that I am reminded of from my Mommy and Me Yoga Teacher Training.  1)   What it really means to hold space . This is a beautiful blog on how to REALLY show up. How to Hold people. How to be held. As a yoga teacher I actually hold people much more than just showing them poses or telling them about the benefits of poses.  https://heatherplett.com/2015/03/hol

I feel like I have had the same story for over a year... Exhausted, depressed, tired, skinny baby, blah, blah, blah But I think we may have turned a corner, I think we may have a light in our tunnel (it really felt more like a cave). While we were surviving the past few months, and yes it literally felt like surviving was the very best we could do, I wish I could have heard that this pain, this exhaustion, this overwhelm was temporary, that one day it won't be like this. I wish I could have seen that one day my boys would be able to play for 5 min while I shower or wash a few dishes. Or that one day having two kids so close in age would be a gift, that their love for each other would bring a huge amount of joy. I wish I could have known that one day we would move from surviving to doing ok. That things would get better, because they have to, because things can't stay like this forever. As in, it is actually impossible for things to stay dark forever. Physics will no

February is the month of love.  So going with the expectations of our society, I assumed this meant loving others. I had the intention of decorating the boys' doors with a heart every day, telling them what I love about them (this was successful for a few days) (Pintrest mom vs Amazon Prime mom moment). I really wanted to pour myself into them and my husband, allow them to be filled with love and appreciation. The problem is that I do this every day, I pour everything I have into everyone else. This has been my life story, and right now it is much easier to love others than myself. So why not keep pouring...except that I am depleted. And then there was this...my brother posted this on the first of February, "I hope you love yourself a lot. And if you're struggling with this, let me and others love you until you can learn how. I needed that before and know I'll probably need it again someday." I was like Well Shit.   It immediately sent me into