Life has got to get better than this: Reflections on what I really want

Life has got to get better than this.
I am tired, so tired
I am stressed
And I don't feel very present to life's miracles

I feel like I am failing at life.

My house is a mess.
My Job is overwhelming, and I don't have enough energy to do it well.
And my do list is forever longer than the hours I have to do things.
Most days I really don't want to Adult-up.

But my kid is happy. Eats nutritional food most of the time. Laughs much more than I do.
He has Joy. He has life figured out (or at least for today). He plays, eats, sleeps, and explores the world. He doesn't know how not to be present.

So what is Success?
What does it look like to be Successful (beyond the money definition)?
What does it mean to have Joy, to truly be Present and have Joy?

My life is at a crossroads.
I am unexpectedly pregnant (thus the so tired).
My plans for my life are not going...well not the way I planned.

My life is on the verge of something very powerful, my life is about to become something better than I planned, I just have no idea what that is.

Is it being a influential teacher?
Honestly my work is not about the money, most days I love my job, I love working with teens that struggle, I love supporting them in their struggle. I am a good teacher and I can't really picture my life without teens. I am one of those teachers that makes an impact on student lives, but the demand on me to do more and be more is becoming too much. It's not enough to prove student learning and impact students, there lots of paperwork to prove you are good enough.  

Do I volunteer my time?
I am passionate about Refugees, for years I have said that I would love to work with refugees.
I am passionate about Restorative Justice and international work.
I am passionate about neuroscience and the brain.
Do I stop working so that I have more time for my passions?

Do I be a stay at home mom?
I love the time I have with my kids. I love the moments of laughs, playing hid and seek, reading bed time stories, putting up the Christmas tree watching my son try to hang the ornaments.
But will I have less stress not working? Will I be more happy with more time with my kids?

I feel like since becoming a mom, I have asked myself these questions 1000 times.

I saw a picture of a cabin and a quote that said "My Goal is to build a life, that I don't need a vacation from."

How do I build a life of Joy?
What do I need?

Simplicity
Reflection
Time with my kids and Time alone

So how do I create the life I really want to live? How do I create my dream life?

So here I am in that place in life again, that place where I have more questions than answers. A place of searching, surrender, and growth.

Ok God

I turn over my plans to the universe, I turn my life over to the universe. Because I have no idea what else to do. Because I am lost.