Celebrating Mother's Day
Celebrating Mother’s
Day
I have thought about sharing this story so many times. But
it is hard to share it. It makes me vulnerable, exposed, and maybe even seen.
But it’s been a year and there has been so much healing, and I think I am ready,
and yet I am scared. I share this story because I hope that other moms, other
people, find a bit of hope in their struggle. I hope they find a bit of brave,
strong, and resiliently.
This week, this Mother’s Day, is very important to me. This
Mother’s Day is a celebration for me, because I have come alive. I have come
into my strength, power, and self-love.
But Before finding my power, there was a lot of pain and suffering and
feeling alone. A lot of hopelessness.
This year I am so grateful to be alive and so grateful that
my 2 beautiful boys are healthy and doing well, and here is why. A year ago I
had called my therapist on a Sunday and asked if I should go to the ER and
admit myself to a 48 hour hold. Partly because I thought maybe I could sleep
for a few days, partly because I felt like I was out of options. My almost 1
year-old kid was wanting to nurse all night and not at all during the day. And
still not gaining the weight I was told he should. My thoughts were, I am up
all night with this kid and up all day with my 3 year and have nothing else to
give and still feeling like I was failing. In addition to the depression and
helplessness, I had a ton of anxiety. Most days I wanted to crawl out of my
skin. Scratch myself out of my skin.
People who loved me were worried about me.
So because sleep seemed to be one of the main issues, I
walked to a sleep group at the mama ‘hood Denver. And thank God. I could hardly
talk because I was crying so much, but Allie, the person leading the group was
beyond sweet. She looked at me and said “We are going to figure this out, we
are going to get you the help you need.” And they did. They saved my life and
helped me to start living again. Allie referred me to the director of
lactation, who looked at me and said, the depression is lying to you, your baby
is healthy, small, but healthy, and I think you would benefit from an anti-depressant.
My therapist and doctor agreed. I had been fighting and fighting
depression/post-partum depression/anxiety for 10 months and I had tried
everything. It was time.
And the real problem with my depression and anxiety was that
I was tying my worthiness to my mental wellness. When the depression and anxiety
was there I could not see that I was a good mom, doing my best. All I could see
was that I was not enough. I was not doing enough. Didn’t have enough love.
Energy. Or time. I could not see any impermanence.
The first 2 weeks of being on Zoloft was hard and almost
harder than the depression. It was hard to get off the floor, I was a zombie
mommy and my kids were so patient. I won’t tell you how much T.V. the kids
watched in those first few weeks.
But slowly the depression and medicine fog lifted and found
a more patient, loving, calm mama inside myself. The medicine gave me a pause
before reaction, slowed down the anxiety and allowed me to be a much better mom
– like really. And medicine is not the answer for everyone, but for me, for now
it was and is an answer.
With the Zoloft on board I was able to have energy to start
exercising more often and with more sleep I was starting to eating better. Even
with these lifestyle improvements, on this medication I have gained 15-20 lbs.
For the last year I have been ramping up exercise, with two
intentions: Finding my strong, and of changing the scale number. I took a self-defense
class. I ran 2 5k races. These two things helped me to relieve stress, feel
powerful, and feel strong. Finding strong was so important. I needed to reclaim
some power. I needed something to root down to. I needed to experience some resiliency
so that when it got hard, as they do, I had something to ground down to. I need
to know that I can do hard things. You can do hard things too, you know.
And it’s very hard to lose this weight. I have been eating
clean, and well, and tried different diets. My core, my physical core and the
core of who I am as a woman and mom, is stronger than it’s been in a long time.
I can run more miles than I did before babies. I am training for a sprint triathlon
and half marathon. And the scale isn’t changing. So that has been another
challenge. Surrender. A challenge of self-acceptance and love – which may be a lifelong
battle. Because it turns out I also tie my worthiness to that number on the
scale. Which doesn’t actually serve me.
So now I am on a new journey, a journey of surrender, and
strong intentions, and yet again having more questions than answers.
How do I make movement a ritual? (thanks Finding your Strong
with Sara for those words). How do Exercise to feel good? To build habits of
health and wellness? How do exercise to feel strong, not thin?
How do I make self-care a ritual? How do I create a
lifestyle that gives me enough energy that I can make self-care a priority? I
start with spending 2 min every morning with my hands on my heart and gratitude.
And that’s a start.
How do I eat with the intention of nourishing myself? How do
I eat to feel sustained and satisfied, rather than trying to change the scale? I
am learning to eat intuitively and listening to my body (thanks Michele for recommending
Food Psych Podcast.)
It’s a process and Thank god it is not perfect. Because if
it was I would have missed out of some sweetness and struggle and learning.
And thank you. Yes you. For your support, love, and
connection. Even if you didn’t know you were giving it. For all the ways you
showed up for me. Thanks for all the mamas that showed up to my yoga classes. You
were my saving grace. You got me out of my head, and into my heart.
Now I ask you. How do you move your body in ways that make
you feel good? What makes you feel nourished? What is your struggle (because we all have one) and where are you going
to find your strong? How are you going to make self-care a ritual? If you feel safe, send me a message and let me know.
When
it’s good allow the Joy and Gratitude to fill every cell in your being.And when it’s hard, because it will be, Root down. Root down to your strength,
resiliency, and community.
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